But he was such a wonderful man...

I'm glad your friend was able to get away. The longer one is with an abuser, the less of a self she has. They tear down your self-esteem, your willpower, everything you know yourself to be, and isolate you from anyone else who might be able to help you realize what's happening. All the while, they are charming and flattering, but able to turn in a second.

The dynamic is like that of an addiction, isn't it? You can't help the person hit their bottom, but you can take away the pillows so that when the bottom comes, it hurts enough to make change attractive. Frustrating for family and friends to watch this.

 

Tracey will try anything for attention I'm sure!

As long as there's a book deal at the end!!!

 

HM, the only experience I have of this frightening situation is seeing movies based on true stories. Frightening. I admire your courage and stamina for having put up with it for such a long time, and I'm glad you have been free of this for over 20 years.

 

I remember you posting about this before, Amber. When watching the part where the wife returns only to be beaten up again, I made up my mind never to watch any movies like this again, because as I said before, I just cannot understand why these women would go back for more punishment; short of not having a good enough life outside, and they settle for the beatings to get back to the "comfort zone" between them (?).

So difficult to understand this thinking, but the terror of having to look over your shoulder has to be frightening. Once again, heymom,I am glad you are safe.

 

The thing is, at first, the abuser is only charming, and gives you lots of really sweet attention. For women who don't have a good template of what a man should be, it is like honey on a wound. For someone who has had love and has been cherished by a father while growing up, plus has had the correct boundaries set, it's not as attractive, although I have known women from solid family backgrounds who have fallen for the spell.

I was lucky - I got out of my relationship after about 2 years. I never got beaten up physically. He was much more subtle than that. The real problems started when I wanted to break up with him. He talked me into staying and then things got really bizarre. At one point, he called my job about 20 times one night, to the point where I had to have someone else answer the phone for me. There's a lot more but I won't bore you.

In the moment, you really can't grasp that the person who has been so "loving" has now turned into a scary dangerous pursuer. It's the "loving" part that keeps women in the situation. You keep going back to when things were good. And you can't tell when that "love" might come back - it does, sometimes. The abuser has, in the meantime, been tearing you down from the inside so that you really need his "love" and feel helpless and stupid, and unloveable, and that is the hook he uses. It takes a huge act of courage to get away.

It's not that life is good with the abuser, but it's that the woman cannnot imagine she will be able to live without him. He's brainwashed her to believe that. It's more mind control than anything else. People who can't understand this have mostly had fathers who loved and cherished them and taught them what real love from a man should be.

 

It is probably good for you to release this bad experience you had, heymom. even although it was 20 years ago, it was obviously a bad one, and still has a place in the back of your mind. I hope there are some young women out there who can learn something from your experience. It was very brave of you to share it here.

 

Kids, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that biz, I could quit my job!

 

"Boulder is one of the Meccas for the subculture of assimilation of eastern thought and the rise of the feminine. Ultimately they are failures because they think actuall women are supposed to be dominant merely for being women."

It's official, Rodham Clinton is in. (Or maybe not; exploratory committee: I'm in if I can win, Im still here Obama).

 

Greenie,
Excellent work once again. :heart: :winko: :yay: :gavel:

 

Here's another report about Sanchez, accused of being a serial rapist and killer:

http://www.crimelibrary.com/news/original/0107/1701_bike_path_rapist_pleads_innocence.html

His family and friends still can't believe it. His lawyer is questioning the DNA results. Like they're going to pick a man out of the blue and lie about test results or get the wrong test results in the rapes and murders of three otherwise unrelated women.

 

What I think his lawyer is going to do is challenge the legality of his arrest based on the DNA from his eating utensils at the restaurants. He may try a couple of things - first, the legality of taking those utensils without a warrant. The investigators didn't need a warrant to take them, but the lawyer will challenge it. Second, whether the DNA was his or that of someone who dined there before he did or handled the dishes/glasses/silverware - IOW, the dishwasher did a lousy job or someone else in the restaurant left the DNA.

The trouble with the second challenge, of course, is now that they have Sanchez in custody, they can legally collect DNA samples from him to match against that found in the restaurant and on some of his victims. The first challenge - that of the legality of seizure of the items - will most likely not go his way, either.

In the Diver case - the last woman they suspect he killed on the bike path - his DNA was found on the steering column of her vehicle but not on her body or near her body. They haven't charged him with that murder, yet. The others, though, have DNA evidence from the bodies. Some of the rapes are past the statutory limit, something that has since been done away with on rape cases in NYS. However, the change in the law came too late for some of his victims. He will never be convicted on those rape cases.

 

Well, it's not important that he be tried on every case, just that he's stopped and held responsible for the ones they can link. The women whose cases are past the statutory limit can still testify against him, if the judge allows it and they recognize him or can establish his pattern, possibly. That has been allowed in other rape cases, though I can't remember which state...that Alex guy who ran and stayed in Europe for 7 years? (Oh, to have a memory again....)

If his DNA matches the evidence in the crimes, he can hardly argue that it was someone else's DNA on the eating utensils. His lawyer is going to do what lawyers do, but in the end, it's not going to work if the guy's DNA is solidly matched.

Besides, I wouldn't be surprised if he confesses and takes a deal of life without parole, to spare himself and his family the gory trial. Sometimes the perps do this, if they have any feelings for their family or if they are afraid of getting the death penalty. It saves the county/state a lot of money and time in trial costs. Unless the DA simply wants to put this man to death and won't take any deal.

But so far, it's only a second degree murder charge, right? So if they're not even going to go for murder one, then any guilty plea would probably be simply to spare his family and try to get out before he dies in prison.

 

This guy is really slick, KK. They interrogated him for several hours, and he didn't slip up once. I don't think he's going to confess anything, but I hope I'm wrong.

Many of the rapes go back 25 years. His appearance has changed a lot in those years. One of the rape victims said he looks like her attacker, but her attacker had hair back then. This guy is almost bald, but I don't think it would be that difficult for investigators to find some pictures of him back then.

They are also looking into other unsolved rapes and murders to see if he could be connected to them. There is an offshoot of this story. A man was convicted of raping a woman - I can't remember right now if he killed her or not. He has always claimed he didn't do it, and his father has fought for years to have his conviction overturned, because he "knows" he didn't do it. The thing is, this guy looks like Sanchez. The DA is now looking into the possibility that the wrong man may have been convicted in that case. DNA was not in evidence in that case, only the victim's testimony convicted this man, who is somewhat mentally retarded.

 

Why is he only facing a second degree murder charge?

 

I don't know for sure, Amber, why he's only facing second degree murder charges. I think it may have to do with being able to prove whether or not he actually lay in wait for his victims or precisely planned to kill a certain victim and not a random victim. IOW, if he had stalked his victim for days or weeks and the law could prove it, that probably would be first-degree murder. I think it's all in the definition of first and second degree murder and what the prosecution can actually prove.