Slimey Limey (Michael Tracey) $$$$$

Well, then you won't be wasting any money there, as you'll only need ONE--the one you'll be eating!!

Plus, you'll only need to rent the Guttah Hall for a short time, as everyone will be RUNNING from the doors when you bring that out.

Hmph! Keep it up and I'll have to cancel my reservations and LIVE.

 

Without Prejudice​

Messrs Zotto, Doppelganger, Wench, & Cheromod
Grnd Flr
Cnr: Chook & Bat Alleys
Guttah Business Mail Centre
GUTTAH 111122223333
OZUSA

18th July 2007

Attention: The possibly former diva known as KK

Dear Ms (Yet to be confirmed) Dead Diva,

Our Ref: Funeral/chooks/bats

It has come to our attention that you have an invalid "Last Will and Testament"

We feel that "Kiss my Grits" is not a legally enforceable document and we hereby request that you cease and desist immediately (if you are not DEceased and DEsisted already)

With kindest regards and deepest sympathy

 

Oh. Now that's more like it. Can you draw me a picture?

 

Oh I'm sorry...but my chooks WILL NOT wear black hoodies...it makes them look so washed out....but my wee bats might be pursuaded to go with tartan bow ties....

How could I forget the haggis....dear dear haggis....sniff....so many memories, so much vomit.....

 

Oh, my god! I might have known you'd bring in the LAWYERS to make me suffer to my last breath!!

Look, I have to get off this death bed and go vote...FOR A REPUBLICAN, no less--a first and LAST, as it's down to the LESSER OF TWO EVILS. I may CROAK right at the voting poll!! Arrrrgh cough cough cough wheeeeeze....

In the meantime, I'll call my LAWYERS and have them respond to this OUTRAGE!! Contesting the DIVA'S WILL even before she's been SPIRITED AWAY by HEAVENLY CRACK HO ANGELS.... :angel: :angel: :angel:

 

Now see here Pet...I've told you before...those delusions of angelic beings are just the nice men in white coats come to give your medication.....

(Hold off on the haggis ordering wench...I think she's rallying....)

 

What do you think? Tasteful or what?



Barbie pink hearse and human kippers.

 

Moab will kill me...

 

:floor: :floor: :floor:

 

OH MY GOD!!!

IT'S PEEEEEEEEERFECT!!!

Oh, Jayelles, you are truly the most gifted funeral director in all of the guttah!!

And WHERE did you get that picture of me from last week during the buggy races? I thought we said NO CAMERAS? Oh well, la di dah, not my BEST SIDE, but it'll do.... :yes:

Okay then! I almost passed on, at the voting booth, but I wanted to make it back home so I could avoid all that DRAMA...you know how modest I am. But now that you've got most of the arrangements worked out, I'll see if I can cough up a lung and get this over with....

cough cough

cough cough cough

COUGH COUGH!!

huuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh

COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!!

COOOOOOOOoooooOOUGH!!!!!

COUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH COUGHcoughCOUGHcoughCOUGHCOUGH!!!!!!

HACKHACKHACK!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze HACKHACKHACKHACKHACKHACK!!!

whhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze haaaasptttt!! uhhuuuuuh ack ack ack haaaaaaaaaaspttttttt

am i still here?

 

Always the drama queen...put that lung right back where it belongs...and be quick smart about it or the wench will use it for the haggis casing.....

I know...I'm in awe of the wench's funeral directorship. She is a gifted wench, no doubt about it. So much talent for funerals...who knew??

 

did...someone...say...something....

uhhuh uhhuh uhhuuuuh

is that a bright light at the end of a tunnel...?

 

No, it's just the train.

:whistle:

 

Ah well. Perhaps it's for the best...no drawn out lungless lingering.....


Memo to KK's widower...coffin size can be downscaled...

 

Patsy had balloons.

Just sayin........

 

KK has helium filled sheep bladders - classy.

 

Hello. This is Mr. Koldkase. I just wanted to let you know, since you all adored, loved, worshiped, loved, and adored my wife, that she was mysteriously hit by a train last night. Right after she coughed up a lung.

She left a message that there were some funeral arrangements already underway here at FFJ, and that I was to defer to someone named "Jayelles"? I have no idea why funeral arrangements were being made for an accident about to happen, but she WAS psychic, after all.

I want to thank you all for being such dear, slavishly devoted fans, er, friends of koldkase's. She talked about you all the time. Did you finally get out of rehab, Zotto? Have you let your girls out of the tower yet, Jayelles? Moab, have you quit depriving your sweet pup of chocolate so you can eat it all? Cherokee, do you NOW feel remorse over stealing...something...of koldkase's? RiverRat, have you finally quit whining about that little ol' storm a few years ago? And is there some Republican mom around who never stops bragging about it? A green person who causes people to laugh hysterically? Someone named Tricia who hogs the bills? Some woman who is new to the case who is torturing HER hubby now with it? A truck driver from Colorado who fancies himself a philosopher king? Some sadist who wants to punish wrong-doers? A new grandmother--Fez, is it?--who actually thinks HER grandbaby hung the moon? An ex-secret agent who thinks he's fooled everyone into believing he's just an ordinary man living in N.C.? A gay man from Texas who goes around beating up rednecks? A woman who thinks she's the God of Thunder, one who thinks she's the reincarnation of Lynard Skynard, one with a neural twitch, one pyromaniac who aspires to burn 1000 fires...? A balloon flying voyager who wanders the planet? A cat woman with nine lives? A teensy person who actually had the GALL to write a case book? Someone who eats sweet roses and has made herself ubiquitous forever in this case? A poster with a Christ complex--JC, and one trying to impersonate a Texas TV mogul--JR? Someone who demands to be shown everything? And a poster who thinks she's a supermodel--Elle? Driver, aren't you a leedle too hopped up on No-Dose? And Colorado Babe, must you go ON AND ON about your wonderful hubby? And what about that walking tylin-ol ad? And some crack ho from New York with a priceless Picasso knock-off? What's a PEARLSIM, anyway? A zookeeper, too? Someone who fancies herself a teenage witch? Plus a poster who lurks around, making trouble all the time? A stalker who watches everyone? A tea lover who has abandoned the guttah for the sewer, a bandaged person with a Texas-sized grudge, someone who is either crazy about children or very cool.... That nut who always wants to know why? The one with the rash who tells two stories? The case insider who is prone to sweets? An on again, off again equal opportunity offender who pimps for Gilbert and Sullivan? A petrified woman from Karr's old haunting grounds?

Ah...too many to name. That's it! So if you didn't get named, you should drop in and say hi before the rest of the old hoots here get hit by a train!!

Kasey--that was my nickname for her--loved you all so much. If I were not such a manly man, I would tear up now. I'll have the coffin finished...STANDARD SIZE...by next year, or 2009, at the latest. See you all at the funeral.

Sincerely,

Savishly, adoringly, lovingly devoted Hubby of koldkase

 

Oh, Mr. Koldkase again, and one PS on her note...SHE WANTED BALLOONS, too.